Everybody's Changing

It's 12.04 AM in my place, and I actually didn't know what to write until I opened up a new entri. Usually, I will use my blog to express my feelings, and sadness, or just some opinions about some movies that I really like. I'm using this blog to express myself, and to burst out my feelings when I'm sad, and I was thinking to myself, "why not keep doing this if it makes me so much better?" So yeah, I'm just gonna write another thoughts of mine that I've been thinking this past few days.
I'm on my long break after a huge, national and final examinations 2 weeks ago. I have more than 4 months until I get into college/university. And this past 2 weeks has been quiet good because I finally got a job! I got a job that I really love; singing, at this big cafe in my city every Sunday night. I'm working for 4 hours only. It was okay, because I've made some money for myself and I've been saving the money for traveling with my friends at the end of May (hopefully, fingers crossed). 
I actually did nothing productive all day, and I really want to do something that counts, such as, working as a waitress or cashier to make money, I guess? Well, I don't know. I really want to do that but I also don't want to do that. (Yeah, I know).
I've been thinking, why can't we receive something that we always want, when we saw other people gets what they want so simply? I got to admit that sometimes I envy, sometimes I'm jealous with my friends that seems like really happy with what they have. They got a perfect score at school, their families are wealth, they have some perfect boyfriends, they got pretty look, and everytime I walked with one of my friends, other people will always stared at her and probably thinking to themselves how can this girl so gorgeous? Everytime I walked with my sister, they will look at her for the whole 10 seconds, admiring her for her beauty, and I'll just stand next to her, and do nothing but smile. Sometimes I wonder, how's that feeling to be wanted? How's that feeling to be beautiful?
I know it's silly and it's childish, but I'm sorry, I just wanted to know. 
How's the feeling of getting everything you want? How's that feeling to be loved by someone you love? How's that feeling to be perfectly happy with yourself? Because I cannot do anything about it but thinking. How's that feels, huh?
I'm almost 18. I'll be 18 in three months. But I don't think I'm happy with myself. I guess everybody's changing. And eventually I'll be fine. I'll be okay and get over this and loving myself the way it is, eventually.
But I just thought that I really need to write this down, because everytime I wrote, I'm feeling so much better. And I'm feeling better now. 
I'll be fine, because I've always been fine with the toughest situation of my life, right? 
Chin up. 
I'll be fine. And so will you.

Valentines; The Breakfast Club

"And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through..." -David Bowe

First of all, as it is certainly really need to be spoken, I just want to say to you a happy belated valentines. And I hope that you all had a great day and have shared so much love with your loved ones on this special day. Even if its kinda sounds like bullshit because I guess many of you already spent this valentines day alone (or for the better, with your laptops). And please don't worry about that because so did I. I already spent this "special day" with a bar of chocolate and a 4 hours of nap. 
And yes, I also watched The Breakfast Club. Fun fact; after I watched the movie I found out that this week is TBC's 30th anniversary since the movie being published! Whoa, what an odds. 
And watching The Breakfast Club, for me, was not a waste of time at all. Because now I tell you, The Breakfast Club is one of the best movies I have ever seen since the last 17 years, even though it came out before I exist. And to be honest, at first I thought the movie was going to be boring. But then as the movie came along I kept saying to myself, "No! Don't you dare to end this movie!" 
I'm gonna begin this entry with a quick explanation of the movie. The movie is about 5 high school students who got a Saturday detention. Those 5 students are so different; John the criminal, Brian the brain, Claire the princess, Andrew the athlete and Allison the basket case. The movie is so simple and yet so brilliant at the same time. No doubt that the movie ranked number 1 as the best high school movie of all time by IMDb. 
But hold on, don't close your tab. I'm not gonna talk all night about The Breakfast Club and reviewing the movie. I'm here to tell you what I can learn from the movie and maybe you can learn some of them too.
What I can learn from the movie is, it is hella okay to be who we are. We are all pretty bizarre, some of us are just better at hiding, that's all, and that's okay. And sometimes, we have to spend a little more time trying to make something of ourself, and a little less trying to impress people. 
This movie is probably just a movie about high school students. And as a high school student who is soon to be graduated, I feel the same way with the character's been through. I mean it is just the same as we've been through with our high school moments. Brian the dork, Andrew the popular sports boy, Claire the popular prom queen, John the troublemaker and Allison the invisible. And the most heartbreaking point is when Allison says, "when you grow up, your heart dies." That couldn't be more true. 

"Spend a little more time trying to make something of yourself, and a little less trying to impress people."  

Gee, that quote really got me! I realize that all of this time, I've always tried to impress people so they like me, so I can fit in. But then I forgot to impress myself. And as I think about that more often, I feel really really small. 
I've always tried to make people accept me, but then I lost and I cannot see myself inside of me anymore. Sad but true, isn't it? And I bet this thing isn't happened just for me, but for so many people out there. I think every teenager is a hero. When we are young, we feel so much pain. Going to school is like going to war. People let you down all the time. Sometimes it is very, very hard to be strong. But we have to. 
So, okay. I probably will think about this 234659 times a day. Ha. But here's a letter from The Breakfast Club to Mr. Vernon that you all should read.

Dear Mr. Vernon,
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you are crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. As the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club. 

Lost Stars

I guess humans are such hypocrite creatures. 

I mean when we say we're totally over and done with something, we actually never are and never were. Well, at least that point got me. 

We're such a cocky and hypocrite creatures, aren't we? We want something, but we have no effort to make it true. We love someone but we scared to tell them how we feel. We hate that bitch at school but we can't tell them not to be slutty all over places. We annoyed by our friends who thinks it's funny when we crack a joke but they never really know that we are lonely. We annoyed by being a second choice and being a shadow over our siblings. Gosh, we are a total hypocrite. We are. 

We have so much feelings and regrets and sadness but we can't express them the way it should be. We have anger and fierce and dark side but we can't just be okay with that. We have secrets, and loneliness, and a passion to be loved but we just can't tell random people about that. We kept our feelings and our complicated mind inside ourselves and I guess that's the poison of us being hypocrite.

Believe me. It feels like I have two sides of mine. The first one is the side where I can be a total cheerful girl trying to living up my dreams and travel the world. The other side is the side where I hide my feelings and sadness and dark side and anger and deepest secrets that people couldn't even imagine. 

Sometimes I felt like I want to share all of this to people but I couldn't. It just won't come up through my mouth. Sometimes I really want to scream and crying out loud, but then I realize that all of this will be in vain. 

I've always tried to be the happiest person of me but that's just make me a huge hypocrite, because sadly I am not that happy. It feels like I'm wearing a mask everytime I crack some jokes and make them laugh. It feels like I'm not who I am when I'm surrounded by people who thinks I am fine. Truth is, I'm not fine at all.

Sometimes I need a shelter to just burst this feeling out, but where? 

I might be laughing at this post several months later but I guess I have to write it down as the "depressed phase" of me. 

I am the lost star. And don't judge me. 

Loneliness

It's 1:22 AM and I can't sleep.
Actually I've been struggling with the lack of sleep this past few days and I don't know what the actual reason is. But lately, I've been thinking (maybe a little too much) about everything. Well, sucks to say that I've gotten into a stage where I found myself really really pathetic. I mean I am 17. Sure I am grateful for what I have, and the fact that I'm surrounded by so many caring people make me realize how lucky I am. But unfortunately I've gotten into a phase where I often feeling lonely. If you look into my life now, you will find that I'm pathetic as fuck. These past 2 weeks has been a really sucks Christmas break for me. I slept at 5 am almost everyday and woke up at least at 12. I would sleep in my cozy bed and snuggling with my fluffy blanket watching all kind of series and reality shows until I feel really sick and seems going to throw up. Sucks, isn't it.
But lately, I've been thinking about so many things while looking at the ceilings at night. I know it sounds so sentimental but that is the fucking truth. I've been thinking to save my money for travel around the world. I would start my journey in Australia and wandering every coast of Australia, and then I'm going to Europe and start my European trip before take off to America for a whole 6 months. I also made a "10 year plan" of myself and I know I have to start it right now. Right here. 
I know it's a very big and kind of impossible dream, but there's a will there's a way, right?
And also I've been thinking about my love life so far. I mean I've gotten into a point where I found myself as a black-sheep at love life in the family. I mean my sisters got boyfriends, even my 13 years old sister for chipotle's sake! And seeing their pictures with their boyfriends always making me sick and wanna throw up,  but mostly to get out of this fucking circumtances. I've never been in love before. I had boyfriend once but I don't think that I was in love with him. I've never loved a boy so much that I can't let him go. And at this very moment, I realize that I want to be in love. I want to feel that butterflies in my stomach everytime he talks or stares at me. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to feel important to someone. Because sadly I have never felt important to anyone before.
You might call me a pathetic bitch who wanted a love in her life. But I won't be a hypocrite bitch too. I don't know if I believe in love, but I'm willing to know. I'm willing to know if there's a love or whatsoever out there. 
And sometimes at the night like this, when I'm awake and slightly watching tv, I feel really-really lonely. And with all of this loneliness that I have, it would be better if I keep this feeling alone.
Because maybe I will need this feeling when I forgot how this fucking loneliness ever got me. 

AUSTRALIA IN 2 WEEKS

All the bags were packed, and we were all ready to go. We’ve been waiting for months to go and we were all really excited, happy and just couldn’t wait to step our feet in Australia. On 23^rd of August, we were all gathered in Reyhan’s house and waited for the bus which was going to take us to Bandung. As we arrived at Husein Sastranegara Airport, we were all looking into each other’s eyes and thought, “Is this really the time that we are all going to Aussie?” I had 6 friends and 2 counselors who’s coming with me to Australia; Ela, Pingkan, Virna, Wulan, Reyhan, Calvin, Mrs. Katri and Father Pat. Our trip begun when we were arrived in Kuala Lumpur. This was my first time in a plane and it was all really exciting! We didn’t have time to stay at KL because our plane to Gold Coast was ready to take off. So we ran as the people at the airport shouted, “Gold Coast! Gold Coast! Gold Coast!”

On 24^th of August, we woke up at the plane and  we had no idea what time it was. We just couldn’t wait to arrive on the Gold Coast until the Captain said we were all going down in 15 minutes. And as I stepped my feet in Coolangatta Airport, I was screaming like a maniac, “This is Australia! We finally arrived in Australia!” Woohoo! It was really cold because it was 15 degrees. I got Lily Graham as my homestay, while Ela and Pingkan got Kellen, Wulan and Virna got Niki, Reyhan and Calvin got Blake, and Mrs. Katri got Mr. Lloyd. Lily is such a beautiful, kind, lovely and caring young lady. She came to Indonesia last year but she went to Majenang, not Cilacap. At noon we went to Surfers Paradise then we stopped at Charlie’s and got strawberry milkshake.

On 25^th of August, it was our first day at Aquinas College! We went to see the entire school and that was amazing because Aquinas is a really big school on the Gold Coast. We went to some classes and introduced ourselves in front of them and they were really nice to us. They have a lot of classes such as; science (math, chemistry, physic, biology), social science (geography, history), art, music, FTV (film and television), sports, hospitality, dance, religion, Japanese, English, business, sewing, drama, health, and graphic design. We also could find swimming pool, soccer field, basketball courts, tuck-shop, and a very big library. Aquinas is a dream school for me (or for all of us, apparently).

            The next day was the opening assembly. We sang “Yamko Rambe Yamko” and did a little bit of dancing. I know we were all really silly but all of the students in Aquinas just smiled, then laught, and finally recording us with their phones! Lily and Daniel said that we were really good. What a relief.

            We joined every school activities every day. We went to the class every single day. We usually gathered in Mr. Mort’s office before went to the classes. Because Lily is in year 12, I didn’t come to the classes with her because she had to focus with her studies. But I had Rose as my host at school, she was so nice to me and took care of me a lot. And every Wednesday, we had lunch at the tuck-shop and had nasi goreng made by Mrs. Lisa.

            The next day after we got home from school, Ela, Virna, Pingkan, Wulan and I went to a mall in Robina with our homestays. We had dinner first at Toscani Italian Restaurant. I had spaghetti bolognese and it was really delicious (and expensive). Let’s be honest here, everything was really expensive in Australia!

            The next day was a free day. I went to O’Riellys National Park, a bird sanctuary outside the Gold Coast, with Lily and her dad. After we got there, we did a birdfeeding and that was really exciting because it was my first time ever doing the birdfeeding. And then I climbed on the top of the tree and saw a beautiful scenery. It was way too high, it’s about 70 meters above the land. Ah! It was amazing and freezing. I also saw kangaroos for the first time in my whole life at the forest near The O’Riellys. They were so cute and all I wanted to do was to touch them but then they ran away.  In the evening, after attending Reilly’s birthday party, I went to the Gold Coast Show with Lily. The Gold Coast Show was pretty fun and we saw fireworks over there.

            The next day was Saturday, and all of the Indonesians went to Surfers Paradise! Horray! We played at the Timezone and then just hung out at the Surfers Paradise Beach and took a lot of pictures. After  that we went to Go Bowling in Ashmore. I wasn't really great at bowling so I lost. Blake was the winner though! I met Georgia and Ciara & they were really nice to me. They called me "Captain" because they thought I am the captain of the group. What a sweetheart!

            The next day we went to Brisbane, the capitol of Queensland. We went there with our homestays and Mr. Mort, but Daniel and Alex was also coming with us. It only took 1 hour from Aquinas to Brisbane. Brisbane was beautiful and much bigger than the Gold Coast. It was a beautiful place with big buildings and the shopping centers. We also had time to shopping around Brisbane and took a lot of pictures with Brisbane’s skyline. We just really enjoyed every single time with them. It was a great time! You have no idea how I missed them all!

            The next week was full of the classes and stuff. But we were very lucky because Aquinas took us to the David Fleay’s Wildlife Park with Mr. Mort and Mrs. Finder. At the park we saw koalas, kangaroos, wombats, wallabies, blue tongue lizard and other Australian animals. And then we went to the Burleigh Beach and saw a very beautiful scenery of Gold Coast.

When I was there, my homestay really took care of me and brought me to awesome places such as; Surfers Paradise, O’Rielly’s, Broadbeach, Robina, Gold Coast Show, Carrara Beach, Burleigh Heads, Currumbin Wildlife Park, Harbour Town, etc. My other friends went to Sea World, some malls, and many awesome places. It was unbelievable and unforgettable!

            On 5^th of September, we went to Burpengary to visit St. Eugene College. It was an hour and a half bus driving from Aquinas to Burpengary. I met a girl named Skyla and a boy named Lewis then they took me around the entire school. Twelve of St. Eugene College’s students will visit Indonesia next year, including Skyla and Lewis! And then we had this sharing things about Indonesia. Daniel, Blake, Rhi and Lily talked in front of them about Indonesia and showed them some of the pictures and videos when they were in Indonesia. I also went up to give a speech about Australia. It was spontaneous. I didn't even prepared for the speech. But I think it went well though! Then we took a group photo and say good bye to our St. Eugene friends.

            6^th of September was our second last day in Australia. We had a closing assembly. Reyhan, Ela, and I were performed a band performance with some of the Aquinas students. And then I had a farewell speech. At the end of the closing assembly, I cried. I hugged every person who came to me and said thank you for being such a good friend when I was there. I just couldn’t handle the sadness and the tears. I didn’t want to leave Australia, but I had to. After we said good bye and cried, I drove home with Lily’s dad. And guess what? He got me a present, which was a trip to Currumbin Wildlife Park! I was so happy and I cuddled a koala named Milo! It was really exciting and I was the only Indonesians who cuddled a koala! My friends were super jealous of me! And then in the evening we went to Blake's house and had a turkey barbecue. There were people who came to Indonesia last year. We played truth or dare and that was fun. They learned some of the Bahasa Indonesia and we had fun a lot. It was a nice and memorable barbecue anyway. I love them. I didn't wanna leave at all!

            The next day, I woke up really early in the morning, because our plane to Kuala Lumpur was at 08.40 am. We arrived at Coolangatta Airport at 6.30 am and I cried all the way to the airport and at the airport. We said goodbye to our homestays and that was a really sad time of my trip. We arrived at Kuala Lumpur at 01.30 PM (MY time) and our plane to Bandung has been canceled until 08.30 PM. We had to wait 6 hours before we finally took off to Bandung.

            Being in Australia has been my very big dream since 3 years ago. Being an exchange student at Aquinas College has been my big desire since a long time, and I am very happy to be a part of this exchange program. I also got to learn how to speak English with the real English speaker. I had a lot of wonderful new things in Australia and I am very grateful for all of that.

            Australia was my first time overseas, and I do really have to say that Australia is my best experience of “first time overseas”.  Australia is a really beautiful country with its beautiful people. Even if we have a different roads, weather, houses, school systems, foods, or even bathrooms, I still love Australia more than ever. I know I will come back, sooner or later.

            Thank you Australia, for the great experiences. Thank you Aquinas College, for the amazing new things. Thank you Yos Sudarso for the opportunity. And thank you for whoever reading this.

            I will see you soon, Australia! That’s for sure! Cheers!

P.S: Here are some pictures of my long-short journey in Australia!

My first time ever in a plane :)

On our way to Aussie! Beautiful, isn't it?

My face is really beasty but hey this is my first selfie ever with Lily! :)

Robot man - Surfers Paradise

Opening assembly! 

Biology class - ew!

Gorgeous Lily and I at the Robina

The Gold Coast Show

Surfers Paradis, Q1 back there - tallest building in Aussie!

Group photo at Surfers Paradise!

At Go Bowling with the ladies, Georgia and Ciara! 

Brisbane!!!

Took this photo in front of an amazing mall.

Brisbane's skyline! 

Took this photo in the middle of the street in Brisbane. I guess it's worth it!

Hello from David Fleay's Wildlife Park!

Just being an ordinary tourist though ahaha

Burleigh!

Burleeeeeiggggh

Took this photo after we celebrated the year 12 QCS exam! 

 Gosh. I miss you, Lil! 

Antony, Lewis, Rhianon, Shela, Lily at St. Eugene, Burpengary

They are so darn tall...

Well I guess they are not that tall in this pict ;)

Ashlee and Hayley xx

Rhi Rhi <3

                                                            Darryl aka Lily's Dad! 

 Daniel with the gift that I gave. He hates smiling but at least he's smiling big in this one :)

My cutest and sweetest friend ever in Aquinas, Rose Lopez. Love her so so much!

MILO THE KOALA!

THE BARBECUE AT BLAKE'S

Jack Jack! 

My last selfie with my gorgeous Lily at the airport. 

He's like my own dad. I cannot thank him enough for what he had done. Love you, Darryl!

Well I guess the journey ends here :) 

Turned 17!

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday, happy birthday...
Happy birthday to you! 

I heard that song twice on July 25. First was from my whole family who gave me martabak cake at midnight, and the second was from my besties who gave a beautiful cake and 17 balloons around 5 am. And guess what? I am 17 now! I am legal now (because the legal age for Indonesian is 17, not 18).
It feels like just yesterday I was 16 and all of my besties gave me another surprise at school. Time flies too fast and I just cannot believe that I'm gonna meet July 25 for the 17th times!
Many things happened in my life for the past 17 years, and all of those things are mixed. I got used to not received presents for my birthday so it is okay for me to not receives presents for this year, though. I mean, its not about the  presents right? Its about the age, and the maturity, and getting license and everything. Hehehe.
I got sooooo much greetings from my twitter, facebook, instagram and bbm's friends. I feel really blessed and loved. I didn't even expect for more than 150 interractions on my twitter on that day, but the interractions was just blew up and I was so happy to sending back my love to them.
I am really grateful for my family, for my good friends, for my online-besties, for my readers all over Indonesia, and for everything that I have until now.
There was no party and celebration for my birthday yesterday, even I am so sure that most of girls in Indonesia would've partying for their sweet seventeen. (the 'sweet' birthday for Indonesia is 17, eventhough the 'sweet' birthday for Europe, US or Australia is usually 16). But I still am grateful for all of this.  And since my Dad and my Mom already gave me the best present  that I've been waiting since the middle school. (But I cannot open it and 'taste' it until August 23!) Hehehe.
The point is, I am so happy.
My wishes for my sweet 17 and my year 17 of my life are the maturity of myself, the losing weight that I've been doing for the past a month (I know, right? HAHAH!), and receive successful on my study because I am at grade 12 now. And yes, 'this wish' that I cannot share to all of you (its kinda private, though!) hehe.
And anyway... if you following my blog, you will know that I really really like this boy... well, I've been expecting for this boy to send me a greeting for my birthday and I thought he wasnt send me one, but actually he did! And I just realized that about 30 minutes ago! I am so happy that this boy remember my birthday and wishing me some good things. And guess what? HE WAS THE LAST PERSON WHO GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY GREETING. He wasnt the first one, but he was the last so that is OKAY. I was crying for 5 minutes because I like (or love?) him so much and I cannot believe that he did that! Oh geez. I am so happy since its been a year for me to have a crush on him! Hahahah. I dont know why but I am blushing right now. LOL.
So, yeah. Ooookay. I think thats enough from me about my 'Turned 17' entri! And here are some pictures from my big big day! :)

 with the 17 balloons and the cake. pardon my wake up face, they wake me up around 5 am so yeah ahaha. 

 with my sisters, so sad that I didn't get a chance to take a picture with my Mom & Dad because my Dad was still sleeping ahahaha. 

 with my favorite friends in the whole world! :)

my beautiful cake, it says "happy bday Shela YAK!" YAK means "Yang Akan Kurus" or "Who Will Be So Skinny" in English ahahaha!!!

BOYS ARE SUCKS.

Have you ever thought that boys are assholes? Have you ever thought that boys are actually a goddamn creatures who will make your life so messed up? Have you ever thought that boys are bastards?! Yeah, I know its NOT every boys. But most of all, boys are sucks.
He plays you like a doll. He flirts with you. He called you beautiful. He sent you sweet good morning and good night texts. He gave you some cute emojies. He calls you at night and ask how was your day. He sent you a cute voice note of him singing. And then, when he get bored, he pulls you to the trash. He left you hanging. He dumped you out of his life. He just seems doesnt like you anymore. He stopped sending all of those cute text messages. And then you both just become each other's stranger. You become somebody he used to know.
I mean, what the fuck?!
Girls has feelings, and sadly I would say that boys has not. You cannot just walk away and pretending that it was nothing! All of those cute messages and cute phone calls are BULLSHIT.
Oh, dear readers. Pardon my French but I am totally messed up. Boys are bullshit. I've been through this so many times and I am sick with all of this kind of shit. There are 5 boys who just walked out of my life, and left me hanging without ANY explanations.
This feeling is really suck. My love life is suck. Boys are sucks.
Fuck boys.