Second Choice, Back-up Plan

Lucu juga sih sebenernya kalau baca judul dari entri ini. Kenapa lucu? Karena selama hidup kayaknya aku nggak pernah jauh-jauh dari kata-kata tersebut. Pilihan kedua, rencana cadangan. Duh, menyedihkan banget, ya? 
Aku tau aku adalah seseorang yang punya self-esteem lumayan rendah, karena pada dasarnya aku suka dibanding-bandingkan dengan beberapa orang lain. Lalu diperparah dengan keadaan dimana aku harus selalu jadi yang nomor 2, entah di lingkungan manapun. Aku nggak mau menyebut kalau hidup itu nggak adil, tapi agaknya hidup ini yang begitu pelik dan susah untuk dipahami. 
Dan sekarang, saat aku melihat kamu, yang ada di bayanganku adalah betapa egoisnya aku. Betapa tamaknya aku. Betapa rendah dan menjijikkan aku yang sebenarnya. Aku sudah tau bahwa nggak seharusnya aku begitu lemah, dan aku memang sudah tau bahwa aku salah. Tapi kenapa rasanya sakit banget ya, untuk lagi-lagi jadi prioritas kedua? Kenapa setiap kali aku punya perasaan untuk seseorang nggak pernah ada yang lancar, lurus-lurus... dan normal. 
Salah ya, kalau aku punya perasaan ini dan berharap kamu jadi seseorang yang bisa aku ceritakan ke orang-orang? Salah ya, kalau aku menyukai kamu? Kalau mau menyenangkan diri sendiri, aku akan menjawab bahwa aku nggak salah, tapi keadaan. 
Keadaan saat ini yang salah.
Second choice.
Back-up plan.
Duh, aku sudah capek dengan kata-kata itu. 
Can I have someone who always chooses me everyday and not to think twice about it, please? 

Malam Minggu

Malam minggu.
Tepatnya malam minggu ke-4 sejak aku memutuskan untuk melanjutkan study di Yogyakarta. Berbekal kemampuan seadanya, lulusan IPA yang bisa dibilang abal-abal, aku menjajah "ladang" orang lain, dengan mengambil prodi Ilmu Komunikasi di Universitas Atma Jaya Yogyakarta.
Agaknya, being stucked in such a small city like Cilacap, aku bener-bener bisa merasakan bahwa kehidupan di Jogja jauh lebih luas dari anggapanku sebelumnya. Bahwa kota ini bener-bener besar dengan manusia-manusia hebat, yang pastinya jauh lebih hebat dari aku. I thought that I really have a gift and talent in singing, but ternyata, disini banyak yang suaranya lebih bagus. Dan kukira hanya aku yang suka menulis dengan (Puji Tuhan) beribu-ribu pembaca, tapi ternyata enggak. Disini, semuanya ada. Dan aku benar-benar merasa kecil.
Mungkin aku sudah mendapatkan "pengakuan" dari kota kecilku, tapi di kota ini, aku masih mencari setitik pengakuan itu. Untuk diterima, untuk blended dengan manusia-manusia baru ini, dan pastinya untuk dianggap ada.
Selagi berusaha untuk mencari setitik pengakuan, aku mencoba berbagai cara untuk mengikuti segala kegiatan di kampus. Tapi nyatanya nggak segampang itu. Nggak segampang waktu di SMA. Nggak segampang waktu aku ada di tempatku lahir dan dibesarkan.
Disini semuanya butuh usaha, dan nggak jarang banyak KKN dimana-mana. Maksudnya KKN, hanya orang-orang tertentu yang bisa masuk ke dalam grup tertentu.
Untuk sementara ini, aku yakin orang-orang hanya menganggapku sebelah mata. Aku hanya Shela, si cewek chubby yang dengan segala caranya mencari jati diri di kota istimewa ini.
Dan nggak kerasa, sekarang sudah sebulan aku merantau. Nggak perlu tanya, aku pasti kangen bapak dan ibuk, kangen bantal bulukku dirumah, dan pastinya kangen mendoan asli Cilacap. Nggak jarang juga aku ngerasa kesepian karena nggak ada ibuk disini, nggak ada sahabat kayak ibu yang bisa diajak bicara panjang lebar dan nggak di judge. Nggak jarang juga ngerasa bahwa kesepian kayak gini dikarenakan aku sudah jombz selama 3 tahun. And speaking of that, kebayang nggak sih kalau seseorang yang akan menjadi calon bapak dari anak-anak kalian saat ini sedang menjalani malam minggu juga? Mungkin lagi nongkrong di kafe deket kampus? Nonton sama temen-temennya? Atau mungkin lagi cuddling sama pacarnya? Who knows? Ngeri nggak sih bayanginnya?
But well, in spite of that, aku ngerasa bahwa minggu ini akan jadi salah satu minggu terpadat selama sebulan menyandang gelar sebagai mahasiswa baru. Dimulai dengan tugas filsafat yang seabrek, sampai tugas ekonomi yang nggak ada hubungannya sama sekali dengan dunia Ilmu Komunikasi. Eh, sebenarnya pasti ada hubungannya. But until this moment aku belum menemukan apa hubungannya.
Dan anyway, entri ini adalah salah satu entriku yang menggunakan bahasa Indonesia! And you can tell itu jarang bangeeeeet eventhough Inggris-ku juga masih berantakan.
The point is, ini malem minggu, dan aku memilih untuk berada di kamar, nyalain pendingin sampai enam belas derajat, dan selimutan sambil nulis di blog. Agak miris, ya?
But well... to all of you who is still reading and scrolling down on this entri, I'd like to tell you a happy Saturday night!
Ingat, abis Sabtu itu Minggu.
Dan abis Minggu adalah Senin.
Inget itu aja sih.
Hehe.

All in My Head

I heard that you got a lover, and believe me, it crushes me inside. I guess I should stop thinking about you all the time. Maybe this is what I needed, or maybe this is a sign. A sign that all this time I've been blind to reality. 

But tell me why you seemed so interested? Why do you have this symptoms of liking me too? Was it real or was it just all in my head? 

I've never seen you with your new lover, but I bet she's pretty. I bet you look cute together. I know you look perfect with or without her anyways. It's been over two years, and I guess I need to move on and COMPLETELY forget you. At first I thought it was just a silly crush. But I was wrong. It's not even crush. It's way more than that. And I couldn't help but thinking that we could've had something. Have I really blind to reality?

Was it real or was it fake? Was it all my mistake? Did you ever feel the same? Was my mind just playing games? Was it all only in my head?

Every little glance in my way, or every little sparks you gave me the other day just kept me believe that you really feel the same. 

But I guess I am just completely wrong. You've never been a reality to me, never are and never will be. 

And I guess the fact that you like me too is just all in my head. 

Everybody's Changing

It's 12.04 AM in my place, and I actually didn't know what to write until I opened up a new entri. Usually, I will use my blog to express my feelings, and sadness, or just some opinions about some movies that I really like. I'm using this blog to express myself, and to burst out my feelings when I'm sad, and I was thinking to myself, "why not keep doing this if it makes me so much better?" So yeah, I'm just gonna write another thoughts of mine that I've been thinking this past few days.
I'm on my long break after a huge, national and final examinations 2 weeks ago. I have more than 4 months until I get into college/university. And this past 2 weeks has been quiet good because I finally got a job! I got a job that I really love; singing, at this big cafe in my city every Sunday night. I'm working for 4 hours only. It was okay, because I've made some money for myself and I've been saving the money for traveling with my friends at the end of May (hopefully, fingers crossed). 
I actually did nothing productive all day, and I really want to do something that counts, such as, working as a waitress or cashier to make money, I guess? Well, I don't know. I really want to do that but I also don't want to do that. (Yeah, I know).
I've been thinking, why can't we receive something that we always want, when we saw other people gets what they want so simply? I got to admit that sometimes I envy, sometimes I'm jealous with my friends that seems like really happy with what they have. They got a perfect score at school, their families are wealth, they have some perfect boyfriends, they got pretty look, and everytime I walked with one of my friends, other people will always stared at her and probably thinking to themselves how can this girl so gorgeous? Everytime I walked with my sister, they will look at her for the whole 10 seconds, admiring her for her beauty, and I'll just stand next to her, and do nothing but smile. Sometimes I wonder, how's that feeling to be wanted? How's that feeling to be beautiful?
I know it's silly and it's childish, but I'm sorry, I just wanted to know. 
How's the feeling of getting everything you want? How's that feeling to be loved by someone you love? How's that feeling to be perfectly happy with yourself? Because I cannot do anything about it but thinking. How's that feels, huh?
I'm almost 18. I'll be 18 in three months. But I don't think I'm happy with myself. I guess everybody's changing. And eventually I'll be fine. I'll be okay and get over this and loving myself the way it is, eventually.
But I just thought that I really need to write this down, because everytime I wrote, I'm feeling so much better. And I'm feeling better now. 
I'll be fine, because I've always been fine with the toughest situation of my life, right? 
Chin up. 
I'll be fine. And so will you.

Valentines; The Breakfast Club

"And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're going through..." -David Bowe

First of all, as it is certainly really need to be spoken, I just want to say to you a happy belated valentines. And I hope that you all had a great day and have shared so much love with your loved ones on this special day. Even if its kinda sounds like bullshit because I guess many of you already spent this valentines day alone (or for the better, with your laptops). And please don't worry about that because so did I. I already spent this "special day" with a bar of chocolate and a 4 hours of nap. 
And yes, I also watched The Breakfast Club. Fun fact; after I watched the movie I found out that this week is TBC's 30th anniversary since the movie being published! Whoa, what an odds. 
And watching The Breakfast Club, for me, was not a waste of time at all. Because now I tell you, The Breakfast Club is one of the best movies I have ever seen since the last 17 years, even though it came out before I exist. And to be honest, at first I thought the movie was going to be boring. But then as the movie came along I kept saying to myself, "No! Don't you dare to end this movie!" 
I'm gonna begin this entry with a quick explanation of the movie. The movie is about 5 high school students who got a Saturday detention. Those 5 students are so different; John the criminal, Brian the brain, Claire the princess, Andrew the athlete and Allison the basket case. The movie is so simple and yet so brilliant at the same time. No doubt that the movie ranked number 1 as the best high school movie of all time by IMDb. 
But hold on, don't close your tab. I'm not gonna talk all night about The Breakfast Club and reviewing the movie. I'm here to tell you what I can learn from the movie and maybe you can learn some of them too.
What I can learn from the movie is, it is hella okay to be who we are. We are all pretty bizarre, some of us are just better at hiding, that's all, and that's okay. And sometimes, we have to spend a little more time trying to make something of ourself, and a little less trying to impress people. 
This movie is probably just a movie about high school students. And as a high school student who is soon to be graduated, I feel the same way with the character's been through. I mean it is just the same as we've been through with our high school moments. Brian the dork, Andrew the popular sports boy, Claire the popular prom queen, John the troublemaker and Allison the invisible. And the most heartbreaking point is when Allison says, "when you grow up, your heart dies." That couldn't be more true. 

"Spend a little more time trying to make something of yourself, and a little less trying to impress people."  

Gee, that quote really got me! I realize that all of this time, I've always tried to impress people so they like me, so I can fit in. But then I forgot to impress myself. And as I think about that more often, I feel really really small. 
I've always tried to make people accept me, but then I lost and I cannot see myself inside of me anymore. Sad but true, isn't it? And I bet this thing isn't happened just for me, but for so many people out there. I think every teenager is a hero. When we are young, we feel so much pain. Going to school is like going to war. People let you down all the time. Sometimes it is very, very hard to be strong. But we have to. 
So, okay. I probably will think about this 234659 times a day. Ha. But here's a letter from The Breakfast Club to Mr. Vernon that you all should read.

Dear Mr. Vernon,
We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But we think you are crazy to make an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us. As the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess and a criminal. Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club. 

Lost Stars

I guess humans are such hypocrite creatures. 

I mean when we say we're totally over and done with something, we actually never are and never were. Well, at least that point got me. 

We're such a cocky and hypocrite creatures, aren't we? We want something, but we have no effort to make it true. We love someone but we scared to tell them how we feel. We hate that bitch at school but we can't tell them not to be slutty all over places. We annoyed by our friends who thinks it's funny when we crack a joke but they never really know that we are lonely. We annoyed by being a second choice and being a shadow over our siblings. Gosh, we are a total hypocrite. We are. 

We have so much feelings and regrets and sadness but we can't express them the way it should be. We have anger and fierce and dark side but we can't just be okay with that. We have secrets, and loneliness, and a passion to be loved but we just can't tell random people about that. We kept our feelings and our complicated mind inside ourselves and I guess that's the poison of us being hypocrite.

Believe me. It feels like I have two sides of mine. The first one is the side where I can be a total cheerful girl trying to living up my dreams and travel the world. The other side is the side where I hide my feelings and sadness and dark side and anger and deepest secrets that people couldn't even imagine. 

Sometimes I felt like I want to share all of this to people but I couldn't. It just won't come up through my mouth. Sometimes I really want to scream and crying out loud, but then I realize that all of this will be in vain. 

I've always tried to be the happiest person of me but that's just make me a huge hypocrite, because sadly I am not that happy. It feels like I'm wearing a mask everytime I crack some jokes and make them laugh. It feels like I'm not who I am when I'm surrounded by people who thinks I am fine. Truth is, I'm not fine at all.

Sometimes I need a shelter to just burst this feeling out, but where? 

I might be laughing at this post several months later but I guess I have to write it down as the "depressed phase" of me. 

I am the lost star. And don't judge me.