Loneliness

It's 1:22 AM and I can't sleep.
Actually I've been struggling with the lack of sleep this past few days and I don't know what the actual reason is. But lately, I've been thinking (maybe a little too much) about everything. Well, sucks to say that I've gotten into a stage where I found myself really really pathetic. I mean I am 17. Sure I am grateful for what I have, and the fact that I'm surrounded by so many caring people make me realize how lucky I am. But unfortunately I've gotten into a phase where I often feeling lonely. If you look into my life now, you will find that I'm pathetic as fuck. These past 2 weeks has been a really sucks Christmas break for me. I slept at 5 am almost everyday and woke up at least at 12. I would sleep in my cozy bed and snuggling with my fluffy blanket watching all kind of series and reality shows until I feel really sick and seems going to throw up. Sucks, isn't it.
But lately, I've been thinking about so many things while looking at the ceilings at night. I know it sounds so sentimental but that is the fucking truth. I've been thinking to save my money for travel around the world. I would start my journey in Australia and wandering every coast of Australia, and then I'm going to Europe and start my European trip before take off to America for a whole 6 months. I also made a "10 year plan" of myself and I know I have to start it right now. Right here. 
I know it's a very big and kind of impossible dream, but there's a will there's a way, right?
And also I've been thinking about my love life so far. I mean I've gotten into a point where I found myself as a black-sheep at love life in the family. I mean my sisters got boyfriends, even my 13 years old sister for chipotle's sake! And seeing their pictures with their boyfriends always making me sick and wanna throw up,  but mostly to get out of this fucking circumtances. I've never been in love before. I had boyfriend once but I don't think that I was in love with him. I've never loved a boy so much that I can't let him go. And at this very moment, I realize that I want to be in love. I want to feel that butterflies in my stomach everytime he talks or stares at me. I want to be loved. I want to love. I want to feel important to someone. Because sadly I have never felt important to anyone before.
You might call me a pathetic bitch who wanted a love in her life. But I won't be a hypocrite bitch too. I don't know if I believe in love, but I'm willing to know. I'm willing to know if there's a love or whatsoever out there. 
And sometimes at the night like this, when I'm awake and slightly watching tv, I feel really-really lonely. And with all of this loneliness that I have, it would be better if I keep this feeling alone.
Because maybe I will need this feeling when I forgot how this fucking loneliness ever got me. 

AUSTRALIA IN 2 WEEKS

All the bags were packed, and we were all ready to go. We’ve been waiting for months to go and we were all really excited, happy and just couldn’t wait to step our feet in Australia. On 23^rd of August, we were all gathered in Reyhan’s house and waited for the bus which was going to take us to Bandung. As we arrived at Husein Sastranegara Airport, we were all looking into each other’s eyes and thought, “Is this really the time that we are all going to Aussie?” I had 6 friends and 2 counselors who’s coming with me to Australia; Ela, Pingkan, Virna, Wulan, Reyhan, Calvin, Mrs. Katri and Father Pat. Our trip begun when we were arrived in Kuala Lumpur. This was my first time in a plane and it was all really exciting! We didn’t have time to stay at KL because our plane to Gold Coast was ready to take off. So we ran as the people at the airport shouted, “Gold Coast! Gold Coast! Gold Coast!”

On 24^th of August, we woke up at the plane and  we had no idea what time it was. We just couldn’t wait to arrive on the Gold Coast until the Captain said we were all going down in 15 minutes. And as I stepped my feet in Coolangatta Airport, I was screaming like a maniac, “This is Australia! We finally arrived in Australia!” Woohoo! It was really cold because it was 15 degrees. I got Lily Graham as my homestay, while Ela and Pingkan got Kellen, Wulan and Virna got Niki, Reyhan and Calvin got Blake, and Mrs. Katri got Mr. Lloyd. Lily is such a beautiful, kind, lovely and caring young lady. She came to Indonesia last year but she went to Majenang, not Cilacap. At noon we went to Surfers Paradise then we stopped at Charlie’s and got strawberry milkshake.

On 25^th of August, it was our first day at Aquinas College! We went to see the entire school and that was amazing because Aquinas is a really big school on the Gold Coast. We went to some classes and introduced ourselves in front of them and they were really nice to us. They have a lot of classes such as; science (math, chemistry, physic, biology), social science (geography, history), art, music, FTV (film and television), sports, hospitality, dance, religion, Japanese, English, business, sewing, drama, health, and graphic design. We also could find swimming pool, soccer field, basketball courts, tuck-shop, and a very big library. Aquinas is a dream school for me (or for all of us, apparently).

            The next day was the opening assembly. We sang “Yamko Rambe Yamko” and did a little bit of dancing. I know we were all really silly but all of the students in Aquinas just smiled, then laught, and finally recording us with their phones! Lily and Daniel said that we were really good. What a relief.

            We joined every school activities every day. We went to the class every single day. We usually gathered in Mr. Mort’s office before went to the classes. Because Lily is in year 12, I didn’t come to the classes with her because she had to focus with her studies. But I had Rose as my host at school, she was so nice to me and took care of me a lot. And every Wednesday, we had lunch at the tuck-shop and had nasi goreng made by Mrs. Lisa.

            The next day after we got home from school, Ela, Virna, Pingkan, Wulan and I went to a mall in Robina with our homestays. We had dinner first at Toscani Italian Restaurant. I had spaghetti bolognese and it was really delicious (and expensive). Let’s be honest here, everything was really expensive in Australia!

            The next day was a free day. I went to O’Riellys National Park, a bird sanctuary outside the Gold Coast, with Lily and her dad. After we got there, we did a birdfeeding and that was really exciting because it was my first time ever doing the birdfeeding. And then I climbed on the top of the tree and saw a beautiful scenery. It was way too high, it’s about 70 meters above the land. Ah! It was amazing and freezing. I also saw kangaroos for the first time in my whole life at the forest near The O’Riellys. They were so cute and all I wanted to do was to touch them but then they ran away.  In the evening, after attending Reilly’s birthday party, I went to the Gold Coast Show with Lily. The Gold Coast Show was pretty fun and we saw fireworks over there.

            The next day was Saturday, and all of the Indonesians went to Surfers Paradise! Horray! We played at the Timezone and then just hung out at the Surfers Paradise Beach and took a lot of pictures. After  that we went to Go Bowling in Ashmore. I wasn't really great at bowling so I lost. Blake was the winner though! I met Georgia and Ciara & they were really nice to me. They called me "Captain" because they thought I am the captain of the group. What a sweetheart!

            The next day we went to Brisbane, the capitol of Queensland. We went there with our homestays and Mr. Mort, but Daniel and Alex was also coming with us. It only took 1 hour from Aquinas to Brisbane. Brisbane was beautiful and much bigger than the Gold Coast. It was a beautiful place with big buildings and the shopping centers. We also had time to shopping around Brisbane and took a lot of pictures with Brisbane’s skyline. We just really enjoyed every single time with them. It was a great time! You have no idea how I missed them all!

            The next week was full of the classes and stuff. But we were very lucky because Aquinas took us to the David Fleay’s Wildlife Park with Mr. Mort and Mrs. Finder. At the park we saw koalas, kangaroos, wombats, wallabies, blue tongue lizard and other Australian animals. And then we went to the Burleigh Beach and saw a very beautiful scenery of Gold Coast.

When I was there, my homestay really took care of me and brought me to awesome places such as; Surfers Paradise, O’Rielly’s, Broadbeach, Robina, Gold Coast Show, Carrara Beach, Burleigh Heads, Currumbin Wildlife Park, Harbour Town, etc. My other friends went to Sea World, some malls, and many awesome places. It was unbelievable and unforgettable!

            On 5^th of September, we went to Burpengary to visit St. Eugene College. It was an hour and a half bus driving from Aquinas to Burpengary. I met a girl named Skyla and a boy named Lewis then they took me around the entire school. Twelve of St. Eugene College’s students will visit Indonesia next year, including Skyla and Lewis! And then we had this sharing things about Indonesia. Daniel, Blake, Rhi and Lily talked in front of them about Indonesia and showed them some of the pictures and videos when they were in Indonesia. I also went up to give a speech about Australia. It was spontaneous. I didn't even prepared for the speech. But I think it went well though! Then we took a group photo and say good bye to our St. Eugene friends.

            6^th of September was our second last day in Australia. We had a closing assembly. Reyhan, Ela, and I were performed a band performance with some of the Aquinas students. And then I had a farewell speech. At the end of the closing assembly, I cried. I hugged every person who came to me and said thank you for being such a good friend when I was there. I just couldn’t handle the sadness and the tears. I didn’t want to leave Australia, but I had to. After we said good bye and cried, I drove home with Lily’s dad. And guess what? He got me a present, which was a trip to Currumbin Wildlife Park! I was so happy and I cuddled a koala named Milo! It was really exciting and I was the only Indonesians who cuddled a koala! My friends were super jealous of me! And then in the evening we went to Blake's house and had a turkey barbecue. There were people who came to Indonesia last year. We played truth or dare and that was fun. They learned some of the Bahasa Indonesia and we had fun a lot. It was a nice and memorable barbecue anyway. I love them. I didn't wanna leave at all!

            The next day, I woke up really early in the morning, because our plane to Kuala Lumpur was at 08.40 am. We arrived at Coolangatta Airport at 6.30 am and I cried all the way to the airport and at the airport. We said goodbye to our homestays and that was a really sad time of my trip. We arrived at Kuala Lumpur at 01.30 PM (MY time) and our plane to Bandung has been canceled until 08.30 PM. We had to wait 6 hours before we finally took off to Bandung.

            Being in Australia has been my very big dream since 3 years ago. Being an exchange student at Aquinas College has been my big desire since a long time, and I am very happy to be a part of this exchange program. I also got to learn how to speak English with the real English speaker. I had a lot of wonderful new things in Australia and I am very grateful for all of that.

            Australia was my first time overseas, and I do really have to say that Australia is my best experience of “first time overseas”.  Australia is a really beautiful country with its beautiful people. Even if we have a different roads, weather, houses, school systems, foods, or even bathrooms, I still love Australia more than ever. I know I will come back, sooner or later.

            Thank you Australia, for the great experiences. Thank you Aquinas College, for the amazing new things. Thank you Yos Sudarso for the opportunity. And thank you for whoever reading this.

            I will see you soon, Australia! That’s for sure! Cheers!

P.S: Here are some pictures of my long-short journey in Australia!

My first time ever in a plane :)

On our way to Aussie! Beautiful, isn't it?

My face is really beasty but hey this is my first selfie ever with Lily! :)

Robot man - Surfers Paradise

Opening assembly! 

Biology class - ew!

Gorgeous Lily and I at the Robina

The Gold Coast Show

Surfers Paradis, Q1 back there - tallest building in Aussie!

Group photo at Surfers Paradise!

At Go Bowling with the ladies, Georgia and Ciara! 

Brisbane!!!

Took this photo in front of an amazing mall.

Brisbane's skyline! 

Took this photo in the middle of the street in Brisbane. I guess it's worth it!

Hello from David Fleay's Wildlife Park!

Just being an ordinary tourist though ahaha

Burleigh!

Burleeeeeiggggh

Took this photo after we celebrated the year 12 QCS exam! 

 Gosh. I miss you, Lil! 

Antony, Lewis, Rhianon, Shela, Lily at St. Eugene, Burpengary

They are so darn tall...

Well I guess they are not that tall in this pict ;)

Ashlee and Hayley xx

Rhi Rhi <3

                                                            Darryl aka Lily's Dad! 

 Daniel with the gift that I gave. He hates smiling but at least he's smiling big in this one :)

My cutest and sweetest friend ever in Aquinas, Rose Lopez. Love her so so much!

MILO THE KOALA!

THE BARBECUE AT BLAKE'S

Jack Jack! 

My last selfie with my gorgeous Lily at the airport. 

He's like my own dad. I cannot thank him enough for what he had done. Love you, Darryl!

Well I guess the journey ends here :) 

Turned 17!

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday, happy birthday...
Happy birthday to you! 

I heard that song twice on July 25. First was from my whole family who gave me martabak cake at midnight, and the second was from my besties who gave a beautiful cake and 17 balloons around 5 am. And guess what? I am 17 now! I am legal now (because the legal age for Indonesian is 17, not 18).
It feels like just yesterday I was 16 and all of my besties gave me another surprise at school. Time flies too fast and I just cannot believe that I'm gonna meet July 25 for the 17th times!
Many things happened in my life for the past 17 years, and all of those things are mixed. I got used to not received presents for my birthday so it is okay for me to not receives presents for this year, though. I mean, its not about the  presents right? Its about the age, and the maturity, and getting license and everything. Hehehe.
I got sooooo much greetings from my twitter, facebook, instagram and bbm's friends. I feel really blessed and loved. I didn't even expect for more than 150 interractions on my twitter on that day, but the interractions was just blew up and I was so happy to sending back my love to them.
I am really grateful for my family, for my good friends, for my online-besties, for my readers all over Indonesia, and for everything that I have until now.
There was no party and celebration for my birthday yesterday, even I am so sure that most of girls in Indonesia would've partying for their sweet seventeen. (the 'sweet' birthday for Indonesia is 17, eventhough the 'sweet' birthday for Europe, US or Australia is usually 16). But I still am grateful for all of this.  And since my Dad and my Mom already gave me the best present  that I've been waiting since the middle school. (But I cannot open it and 'taste' it until August 23!) Hehehe.
The point is, I am so happy.
My wishes for my sweet 17 and my year 17 of my life are the maturity of myself, the losing weight that I've been doing for the past a month (I know, right? HAHAH!), and receive successful on my study because I am at grade 12 now. And yes, 'this wish' that I cannot share to all of you (its kinda private, though!) hehe.
And anyway... if you following my blog, you will know that I really really like this boy... well, I've been expecting for this boy to send me a greeting for my birthday and I thought he wasnt send me one, but actually he did! And I just realized that about 30 minutes ago! I am so happy that this boy remember my birthday and wishing me some good things. And guess what? HE WAS THE LAST PERSON WHO GAVE ME A BIRTHDAY GREETING. He wasnt the first one, but he was the last so that is OKAY. I was crying for 5 minutes because I like (or love?) him so much and I cannot believe that he did that! Oh geez. I am so happy since its been a year for me to have a crush on him! Hahahah. I dont know why but I am blushing right now. LOL.
So, yeah. Ooookay. I think thats enough from me about my 'Turned 17' entri! And here are some pictures from my big big day! :)

 with the 17 balloons and the cake. pardon my wake up face, they wake me up around 5 am so yeah ahaha. 

 with my sisters, so sad that I didn't get a chance to take a picture with my Mom & Dad because my Dad was still sleeping ahahaha. 

 with my favorite friends in the whole world! :)

my beautiful cake, it says "happy bday Shela YAK!" YAK means "Yang Akan Kurus" or "Who Will Be So Skinny" in English ahahaha!!!

BOYS ARE SUCKS.

Have you ever thought that boys are assholes? Have you ever thought that boys are actually a goddamn creatures who will make your life so messed up? Have you ever thought that boys are bastards?! Yeah, I know its NOT every boys. But most of all, boys are sucks.
He plays you like a doll. He flirts with you. He called you beautiful. He sent you sweet good morning and good night texts. He gave you some cute emojies. He calls you at night and ask how was your day. He sent you a cute voice note of him singing. And then, when he get bored, he pulls you to the trash. He left you hanging. He dumped you out of his life. He just seems doesnt like you anymore. He stopped sending all of those cute text messages. And then you both just become each other's stranger. You become somebody he used to know.
I mean, what the fuck?!
Girls has feelings, and sadly I would say that boys has not. You cannot just walk away and pretending that it was nothing! All of those cute messages and cute phone calls are BULLSHIT.
Oh, dear readers. Pardon my French but I am totally messed up. Boys are bullshit. I've been through this so many times and I am sick with all of this kind of shit. There are 5 boys who just walked out of my life, and left me hanging without ANY explanations.
This feeling is really suck. My love life is suck. Boys are sucks.
Fuck boys.

Pressure, oh... pressure.

Rasanya kepala ini udah mau meledak.
Menurut riset yang sudah dilakukan oleh para ahli, ini otak bentar lagi bakalan mendidih, abis itu meletup-letup kayak air panas di panci yang ketutup. Well, lets just say that I am a sixteen year old teenager who is suffering from all of the shits in this big big world. I mean, I have enough friends--good friend, to be exact--but I dont think that I am happy. Yes, OF COURSE I should be happy; I have a family, I have a beautiful crib, I have some good friends, I can sing, I make novel, I write for the school magazine, I speak English--wait! I shouldn't have to be so arrogant over here, right? Okay. Back into the topic.
Aku capek.
Banyak deadline minggu-minggu ini. Banyak ulangan, laporan, praktikum dan yeah--banyak tekanan dari  Bapak Botak Biadab (baca: guru Fisika saya). Banyak yang harus dilakuin dan harus selesai tepat waktu. Banyak yang perlu diselesaikan tapi waktu tidak ada. And the best thing of all is... guess what? This fucking labile hormone is definitely drives me craaazy. Aku jadi gampang banget marah, jadi suka pengen nangis walaupun air mata gak keluar, jadi pengen makan sepuasnya, ah. Pokoknya labil dan childish banget. Dulu aku sering denger kalau remaja itu labil, dan, congratulations! Sekarang aku benar-benar merasakan yang namanya jadi 'remaja' yang macem-macem banget tekanannya.
Belom lagi, tekanan dari orang-orang yang kita anggap care, atau yang kita pikir bakal ada terus buat kita, tapi pada kenyataannya enggak. That is SUCK.
Dan juga dari sang pujaan hati yang gak pernah kasih sparks fly lagi. Yang ada justru those college boys who are teasing me a lot. They are handsome, to be honest. They are mature and so much older than me (I've always liked older guys!). But, but... I still can't get the Church Boy out of my mind. AND that is PRETTY SUCK.
Well, the point of this entri is to tell you that I am a sixteen year old teenager who lives in a small city and getting tired for this fucking school stuffs.
I have to go. The assignments and all of those shits still waiting for me. (Anyway tomorrow I have a Deutsch class. I HATE DEUTSCH!)
Pressure, oh... pressure. You better get out of my way.

Avoid You. (Can I?)

Aku menuliskan entri ini sambil mendengarkan lagu-lagu Keane di albumnya yang berjudul Hopes and Fears. Iya, lagi-lagi Keane. Ada satu alasan tersembunyi yang selalu membuatku sedih setiap kali mendengarkan lagu-lagu Keane. Entah karena aku suka aliran alternative, atau lagu ini entah bagaimana caranya membuatku mengingat kamu. Ya, kamu. Kamu yang selalu tampak sehat dan baik-baik saja setiap kali kita bertemu di hari Sabtu. Kamu yang kukagumi, sampai-sampai aku menutup hatiku untuk lelaki lain. Kamu yang tampak begitu dekat, namun ternyata teramat jauhnya. Kamu yang pada akhirnya membuatku sadar, bahwa sebenarnya selama ini aku terlalu percaya diri akan anggapan bahwa kamu menyukaiku seperti aku menyukaimu.
Well, kamu boleh menyalahkanku dalam kasus ini karena aku mengharapkanmu terlalu tinggi. Agaknya aku cuma gadis umur 16 tahun yang selalu mengharapkan cinta di masa SMA. Dan kukira, cinta itu adalah kamu. Tapi ternyata aku salah. Cinta itu memang untuk kamu; dariku untuk kamu. Tapi nyatanya cinta itu bukanlah kamu. 
Pada awalnya kukira kamu juga menyukaiku. Pada awalnya kukira kita sama-sama suka. Tapi kamu tidak berbuat apa-apa untuk membuktikannya. Sampai akhirnya aku sadar bahwa sebenarnya, kamu tidak pernah menyukaiku. Oh, kalau boleh aku bertanya, dan kalau aku punya keberanian untuk bertanya, aku akan bertanya satu hal padamu; apakah benar bahwa kamu pernah menyukaiku? Karena dari caramu melirikku beberapa bulan yang lalu, ada sebagian dari diriku yang percaya bahwa kamu dulu sempat menyukaiku. Tapi perasaan itu terkikis karena kamu punya kepentingan yang jauh lebih penting daripada menyukai seorang gadis jelek sepertiku. Iya, kamu harus menatap masa depanmu. Kamu harus melanjutkan sekolahmu. Lalu mendapatkan gelar Dokter beberapa tahun kemudian.
Ini memang sepenuhnya salahku karena sudah mengharapkanmu terlalu tinggi. Awalnya aku berpikir bahwa kita bisa jadi pasangan yang lucu. Yang duduk bersama di gereja setiap hari Sabtu. Yang tidak banyak bertingkah karena sikap pendiammu. Yang membuat banyak orang menganga saat melihat kita bersatu... Namun hal itu tidak terjadi dan aku semakin bingung akan semua ini. Aku ingin sekali menyalahkan keadaan karena begitu terpaku padamu dan ogah melayangkan pandanganku pada cowok lain setiap melihatmu melintas. 
Tapi... apa semua ini salahku?
Baiklah, aku memang jelek dan buruk rupa. Aku tidak cantik dan tidak memiliki tubuh yang semampai. Aku ibaratkan selembar kertas yang biasa-biasa saja. Dan semua hal itu membuatku sadar bahwa mungkin... mungkin hal itu adalah faktor kenapa kamu tidak pernah mau membuat first move. 
Dan sekarang... setelah delapan bulan berlalu, aku yang sudah memutuskan untuk mundur dua bulan yang lalu, kali ini sedang mencoba menjauhimu. Aku mencoba untuk tidak menatapmu setiap hari Sabtu. Dan tebak apa? Aku tidak berhasil! Sedih rasanya. Its hard to avoid you even thats the right thing to do. 
Aku memang terlalu labil bila disandingkan denganmu. Kamu sudah sembilan belas, sudah matang dan punya masa depan yang cerah. Sedangkan aku baru enam belas, sama sekali belum dewasa dan selalu mengharapkan cinta di masa SMA-nya.
Mungkin aku akan tertawa beberapa bulan lagi karena sudah menulis ini. Tapi aku tidak bisa membendungnya lagi. Aku perlu meluapkannya jika tidak ingin menjadi gila.

Dan, well, inti dari semua ini adalah, aku tidak bisa melepaskan kamu dari otakku walaupun kamu sama sekali tidak peduli. Aku berusaha tidak peduli, tapi ternyata tidak bisa karena aku masih sering membuka semua akunmu dan memastikan keadaanmu.
Tapi aku sedang berusaha menjauhimu sekarang. Doakan aku supaya metode ini berhasil, ya. Pada dasarnya aku hanya tidak ingin melukai diriku terlalu dalam karena sudah menyukai orang yang seharusnya tak pernah kusukai. 
Tapi tenang saja. 
Aku masih menyukaimu dan selamanya aku akan peduli. Karena apa? Karena kamu adalah satu-satunya lelaki yang bisa membuatku gila hanya dengan tatapanmu. Karena kamu adalah satu-satunya lelaki yang bisa membuatku mengerti apa artinya mengagumi dari jauh; mengagumi tanpa dikagumi; mencintai tanpa dicintai. Dan, ya. Karena kamu adalah satu-satunya lelaki yang bisa membuatku jatuh cinta lagi dan lagi. 
Dan aku berjanji, aku tidak akan pernah menyalahkanku atau menyalahkanmu karena aku sudah terlanjur menjatuhkan cinta itu padamu.

If it's meant to be, it will be.

Pagi ini, tepatnya pukul 00.00, aku dibangunkan oleh bunyi alarm yang bergema nyaring dan menyuarakan lagu Hurricane punya Bridgit Mendler. Aku lantas menjulurkan tangan ke meja di sebelah ranjang, menatap ponsel, dan langsung teringat bahwa tanggal ini adalah tanggal khusus yang sudah kutandai agar aku tidak lupa. Aku segera siap siaga, membuka berbagai macam sosial media dan mengecek segalanya, tapi aku tidak mengucapkan apa-apa, tidak menulis apa-apa. Aku hanya terjaga selama 20 menit dan berlutut sebentar untuk berdoa. Setelahnya aku bangun dan berangkat ke sekolah seperti biasa.
Ada satu hal yang mendukungku untuk tetap diam pada saat alarm itu berbunyi, bahkan ketika aku menatap layar ponsel dan mengetahui hari ini hari apa. Aku tetap diam, atau lebih tepatnya memilih untuk diam dan tidak melakukan apa-apa.
Aku sudah capek dengan semua hal yang tak berujung ini; menyukai tanpa disukai; peduli tanpa dipedulikan; mencintai tanpa dicintai. Aku sudah terbiasa dengan semua ini, sehingga rasanya aku sudah capek menggantungkan harapanku yang terlalu besar untuk seseorang yang sama sekali nggak bisa kuraih. Aku seperti kehilangan arah, merasa selalu mencintai seseorang yang salah. Cinta yang bertepuk sebelah tangan sepertinya sudah menempel dan melekat erat dalam diriku layaknya label harga di toko-toko kelontong. Bahkan lagu Pupus milik Dewa 19 sepertinya sudah seperti ceritaku sendiri, karena aku mengalaminya berulang kali.
Aku sudah sering mengalami kisah sendu tak berujung ini dengan beberapa laki-laki lain.  Dan bahkan saat memulai semua ini aku pun sudah tau bagaimana semua ini akan berakhir; ini semua tidak akan pernah ada ujungnya. Mengambang teratur, lalu tiba-tiba hilang dengan aku yang mulai melupakannya walaupun butuh waktu yang cukup lama.

It suck, you know?
Knowing that someone you want the most doesn't want you back. Or knowing that someone you care the most is the person who hurt you the most. 
Well... if you feel the same way, you are not alone then. Because I've been through this  so many times. 

Aku tidak takut jatuh cinta, aku siap menjatuhkan cintaku pada siapapun yang kumau, tapi rasa-rasanya aku selalu menjatuhkannya kepada seseorang yang salah. Seseorang yang nggak tau bahwa aku disini, menatapnya diam-diam, mengecek seluruh sosial media miliknya dan kadang-kadang mengunduh fotonya sebagai sesuatu yang bisa dipandang saat perasaan itu meluap jika nggak ketemu sama dia dengan jangka waktu lama. 
Aku sudah merahasiakan perasaan ini dari sahabat-sahabatku selama 5 bulan penuh, padahal semua orang tau bahwa aku benar-benar nggak bisa menyimpan rahasiaku sendiri. Tapi dengan laki-laki satu ini, aku membuat pengecualian. Aku membuat pengecualian dan  menjaga perasaan ini sendiri. Hanya aku dan Tuhan yang tau selama 5 bulan itu. 
Tapi akhirnya mereka mengetahuinya, dan ekspresi mereka saat mendengarnya hampir semua sama. Seolah-olah wajah mereka mengatakan, "lo nggak mungkin jadi sama dia, dia terlalu tinggi buat lo, nggak usah banyak berharap karena toh dia nggak mungkin lirik elo." 
Tapi semua itu memang benar. Aku dan dia memang jauh berbeda. Dia pendiam, aku koar koar. Dia pintar, aku standar. Dia begitu tampan, aku buruk rupa. Dia punya ekspektasi cewek yang tinggi, sedangkan aku disini hanya seuntai kain yang nggak berarti buat dia.
Dari awal aku memang tau bahwa aku dan dia mustahil untuk menjadi satu, tapi bodohnya aku tetap mencoba. Mencoba untuk memulai percakapan di sosial media yang membutuhkan waktu 2 jam untuk mengirimnya. Mencoba untuk melakukan first move walaupun akhirnya gagal. Aku ingat persis tanganku bergetar hebat waktu itu, sampai akhirnya aku nekat meng-klik kata send dari layar ponsel. Tiga puluh menit kemudian, dia membalasnya. Lumayan panjang, lumayan membuatku lega karena aku pikir dia nggak merasa annoyed of my behave. Namun, percakapan itu berlangsung hanya dua hari, diawali dengan ucapan natal dan barisan pertanyaan basa-basi yang dia dan aku tanyakan. Lalu setelah itu, semuanya berhenti. Berhenti begitu saja tanpa alasan yang jelas. 
Aku sudah mengeceknya berulang kali, namun hasilnya tetap kosong; dia membiarkan pesan terakhirku tak terbalas dan digantungkan begitu saja.
Aku ingat betul bahwa hari itu hariku rasanya kelabu.  Aku diabaikan, dan aku yakin bahwa dia memang tidak menyukaiku seperti aku menyukainya.
Namun aku memang bodoh karena aku masih mengharapkannya setelah semua kejadian itu. Aku tetap memeriksa akunnya setiap hari, mengambil napas lega karena nyatanya dia baik-baik saja. Dan dua bulan setelah percakapan itu, tepatnya hari ini, aku mulai ragu. Aku bukan meragukan perasaanku terhadapnya, namun aku meragukan kekukuhan hatiku yang masih terus mengharapkannya setiap hari. Rasanya sosok itu hanya sebuah imajinasi yang kutemui setiap seminggu sekali jika beruntung. Rasanya sosok itu hanya sebuah ilusi semu dan angan-angan yang nggak akan pernah bisa kucapai seberapa besar pun aku mencoba. Aku sudah mengalami ini berulang kali, dan aku tau bahwa semua ini nggak akan berakhir; tetap menggantung disana, nggak berbunga apalagi berbuah.

Dan hari ini, tepatnya tanggal 26 Februari 2014, aku sudah membulatkan tekad dan memilih untuk mundur. Aku memilih mundur dan berniat melupakannya, seolah-olah perasaan ini nggak pernah ada, sama seperti perasaannya yang nggak pernah ada buatku. Aku tau persis skenario cerita tak berujung ini, dan aku nggak mau melihat endingnya. Aku akan menuntaskannya dan mengakhirinya dengan kemunduranku sendiri, sebelum aku tersakiti oleh diri sendiri dan mempunyai ekspektasi yang bisa membuatku gila. 
Kita mungkin nggak pernah berbicara, mungkin hanya berjabat tangan dua kali. Tapi aku tau, aku harus melanjutkan hidupku dan kamu dengan hidupmu.
Aku akan berusaha melupakanmu walaupun itu sulit, dan kamu akan tetap menganggapku tidak ada. Selesai. Tidak ada yang dirugikan dalam skenario ini, bukan?
Aku memutuskan untuk mundur. Toh kalau kita memang seharusnya bersatu, sekuat apapun aku menjauh, kamu akan selalu ada disampingku, menjadi seseorang yang bisa menjagaku.

If its meant to be, it will be. 


Dan oh, ya. Satu lagi, kalau kamu kebetulan membacanya.
Selamat ulang tahun yang ke-19. :)